my life in a nutshell

Well i decided to post this just so i can keep in my head what went well and what didnt for my exams ok:
Last year History A , religious studies A, Archaeology B
Predictions this year AAB, What i want AAA, To get into Kings College London ABB

History exam unit 4 8th June: Went fantastically. Puritans!!!!!!!!! oh yeah . " To what extent did Elizabeth defeat the puritan challenge in the years 1566-1588" fantastic questions. Did intro and judgment then went straigh into what areas she defeated them so Doctrine, Liturgy and Preaching, Did why i thought Elizabeth wanted to defeat them on an official level...middle way, englands deborah blabla. Her personal intentions in religion. My best bits of detail were: " A view of Popish abuses yet remaining in the church of England". Walter Strickland 1571. Sir ralph Saddlers quote, my distinction of relationships with spain and pope pius...how this affected her will to defeat the puritans on an offical level. I thought i had very good range and depth and detailed knowledge, but im not sure i had enough constructive anaylsis which will pull my mark down i think. But for a first exam it went well.

Next one is archaeology modules 4 and 5 on tuesday and Religious Stuides philosphy of religion and black theology and exclusivism,, inclusivism and pluralism.
Archaeolgy should be good yeah im up for that.....Philosphy of Religion il be fine if via negativa, miracles or kants moral argument come up and of course plato, dualism etc. Not sure id want an essay on otto, james and religious expierence though, just find it too hard to structure. I want a straight forward via negativa and critque, and Kants moral argument and critique. But not sure il see. Black theology is my strongest exam this year, Good on MLK MX CW background and history, and its contrast to LT AND FT but IF i had to crtique James Cone im not sure id do that well....he has got so many flipping contradictions in his theology its just stupid. I want a nice question for BT so i can do lots of discussion.

Grrrrrrrrrr damn revision... i cant do anything for the next 2 weeks until i finish these exams. :( at least i have my lap top now. It helps

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh UCAS UCAS UCAS LOL! its all nearly done thank fuck! Then i can kiss Ucas goodbye until novemeber lol! I HATE UCAS!

I got an A in history and i even got full marks in paper one! Only one of 5 in the country 2 do it yaaaaaaay! I got an A is RS which i wasnt expecting any lower to be honest because its my best subject along with history... I got a B in archaeology which im pissed about cos i was so close to an A so il retake a module and I got a C in eng lit which is goin 2 b remarked cos i was predicted alot higher ...though i did nearly get full marks for my coursework on Much Ado About Nothing. So all in all my marks were really good! Infact i remember some stupid teacher i really hated at st ts saying ud either do the same or worse if you left the school....and infact ive done a hell of alot better! Im happier, and working and concentrating harder etcetc and im enjoying it!!! :) so im bloody proud of myself to be honest that ive managed to turn it around for myself... All my teachers want me to at least try for Oxford because i wanna so A theology and history degree and all my teachers think even though i fucked up my Gcses ive got great potential and would do a gd interview etc... So looks like im gunna try, if not oxford id like to look at Kings college.. St marys, Winchester and York cos their all good on theology side of things! So wow yeah good results day and a good holiday and a brilliant year so far... I actually cant wait to go back :) I miss liv lots and lots, but il be goin down to devon with her on hols soon so thatl b fun. YAYY bring on a level year lol! Oh yeah and il drop english literature and take up philoshy and modern history instead so yeah il have a full time table but itl b worth it....god i sound like such a geek.

Ok so how many months have gone passed since i updated this journal thingy........
Life has been so amazingly busy/stressful/amazing/happy/depressing/everything really.
So what can i say..... i have the most amazing bf ever who ive been with for 4 months now, he actually keeps me sane and the best bit is he actually understands me and puts up with my tantrums, stressyness, panic attacks and the bad sides of me. Which is so good, cos all my past relationships have been based on the attraction of the good sides of me and someone else, but to find someone who loves you for your good and bad sides is something i really dont want to lose. And me and ross are doing really well so hopefully itl keep on going well....Oh and plus even my parents like him......ITS A MIRACLE!! lol
Im missing liv like crazy tho, bless her shes now broken up with chris, he treated her so badly so im so glad shes out of that relationship. I love her so much and miss her like helll il hopefully see her soon tho.
College has been fun actually, lots of trips and people getting pissed and parties and people getting togetehr and everything so yeah....tho its been really hard work. Its all paid off though. I got an A for my rs as i did in janurary and a c in archaeology so il retake the archaeology. RS seems to be the subject im shining in which i wouldnt of predicted but its cool, and id love to be able to study Religious studies, theology and history and St marys College London. So ive got alot of work to do and the exams are so close so lots of revision to do. :( ah well itl all pay off.
So yeah everything seems on top of the world atm, my life has been so great since ive been at college, i also seem to have found myself far more and understand more of who i am and where im goin in life. So i thank god i left my last school and came to college. I think im far more suited to a state system than the private school with all the bitchiness and everything. At college everythings more relaxed, the teachers understand more and theres more people to socialise with. So im loving it :), i also feel far more grounded here.....st teresas was quite insula, it was good while i was there dont get me wrong but i felt so crowded by the end of it and needed to have more space and experience something different. So i feel far more happier now...... lots of people i know say ive changed as well, lotso of my oldest friends say that im definately far more outgoing and more bubbly and happy, so something good is happening :).
Well thats all i have to say for now, going to go watch a film i think :)

Well this has been a long time coming, ive just been so ruddy busy with college and kitty and liv and that its been well hetic.
Well what can i say, college rocks my socks, im so glad i left st teresas now college suits me so much better... cos im such a socialite theres so many people 2 socialise with so its all groovy! Seeing liv again in half term should rock.... and been a party in portsmouth with her which so rocked bum according 2 rose!
Well love life front......my gianluca has been with me now 4 2 weeks lol! Proper italin stalian, well proud i was actually able 2 get in with an italian it rules! But lucy and rolake or should i say kiki lol! they really dislike him ......cos there superficial and havent got 2 know him yet, its cos he puts on like a really loud mask 2 protect himself from gettin hurt cos hes had a pretty horrific life... it just annoys me ppl who judge without knowing who they really are.
Thats about it really 2 b honest. O yeah And heard from my love which is joseph caroll... just 2 tell me hes not dead just doesnt have a wrokign phone or comp lol! Cant wait til kintbury again

Blimey, omg! college this first week has been absoutly brilliant!! i love it lol! i with all my mates, kitty, pete, jamie, sarah, nick, coombes, baker, josh, anna, abi, hannah, greg, guy, will h, will d, david, lotty list goeson. But its so nice 2 be with my real friends as i call them cos these guys ive known for agggges and i absoutly llove em all, not that i didnt love any of the st teresas people cos i did i loved all of them we were a close year but its just special that im with this group for a change.
Well subject wise rs and archaeology i ave this reeeeeally really clever guy called matthew in my class, hes like as clever as hattie but more of a geek lol and knows everything but hes not arrogant or pretentious so thats ok. Um pete kitty and josh r in ptc ( personal tutor group) with me so that rocks.
Its weird seeing jess lucy rolake and emily around, but i hardly ever talk 2 em cos there in none of my classes andthey socialise with diff people although dally and rolake seem 2 get on well so thats kl:). Though rolake as seem to ave adpoted the name kiki ....which personally i think is a bit tacky but u know. UM.... nothing much else has happened apart from pete had a go at chris cos he went off on one at me, its s o strange seeing chris at college i just ignore him most of the time lol!
Im missing liv soooooooo much, its crazy, its sad, its awful lol but reality ah well il see her in 3 4 weeks :)!
Kittys been absoulty wonderful this week, shes really been here for me, cos i had a crisis with chris and everythin awww i love her 2 bits shes just gorgeous
Thats preety much it!

Well today has certainly been a very emotional day for me...
Basically i prayed alot last night and i feel really down cause i know im a slut and i dont want to be. I feel dirty and horrible, ugly and just generally sick at the things ive done. Im so sexually immoral and it hurts me cos i dont want to be.
It all comes down to chris.. We broke up back in may it really broke my heart cos although i was confused about my sexuality going off with pip ( am definatly bi) I really truly love him and always will. Anyway it was a bit of a messy break up cause i needed space from him and he wasnt giving it to me cos we were both so upset i reckon we both clung to each other... we were so very close as people. So it died down and calmed down and before kintbury he said look were really close friends and we both want sex so y not?! And at the time i was alil taken a back by this and lil shocked and surprised and i actually thought about it.... how wrong was i to even think about it! And it happened i slept with him again i feel so dirty for it..... Thing is i find him very attractive and he does turn me on blabla but i realised im far better than to lower myself to the level of having sex outside a relationship. I mean i have morals to and i dont think it was right to ave sex before marriage let alone do it outside a relationship. I also think that if sex does happen the two people shud use it to express their love as well as hornyness. And thats whats hurting me .... it comes down to the fact i love chris but he doesnt love me. And the times we had sex was me expressing my love while he was just using me... i guess i was so desperate to kid myself that he still loved me that made me do it.
Anyway he keeps asking me still and everytime someone mentions sex i get images of me and him in my mind. I cant help it i love the guy and will forever. Ive realised losing chris was alot more hurtful and painful than it seemed. Everyone at school and that were like always asking me if i loved him and i always said i did cos i do. But people dont understand that when your that close to someone and if u love them truly then u love their bad points 2. And i guess i have to get over this. Livi always said to me that im trying to fill the empty gap of love that i need cos im never gettin any from my dad and ive had to deal with alot this year. And i reckon shes right. At kintbury chett did a presentation and in it was a quote from marylin monroe " all i want is to love and be loved in return" and that pretty much sums this up i had sex with chris cause i wanted to feel loved by someone again.
I feel so weak for doing it and so sexually immoral...... this is not what i am. I have my morals i stand up for what i belive in but because i was so desperate to feel loved i commited a sin against god.
But i know im on a different path to chris now and that i have to be on my own and i have to make my own path alone atm. And i know its best that were not together we leave each other empty in a relationship. Its just so hard to let someone u love so much complety go. I have to and im trying to. I feel so ashamed to admit wat ive done and that god has seen the sins ive commited.
But i can understand y i did it, its just at the end of it all thats not me that not i want. I want a loving partner a person who i can be with and feel free and loved and cared for. I dont want to be known as dirty or horny i want to be with someone who loves me in return. Probably a girl too guys are far too much hassle and always cause the most pain lol! I just want to put this behind me and start again at college but emotional scars will always be there no matter what. Its the way you deal with them thats important. I was crying for like 2 hrs solid about it today cos i felt so bad for doing it and spoke to mark he kinda put it into perspective for me and helped me a bit ..thanks hun!
Ive changed this summer ive changed a hell of a lot. This is not gunna b me anymore i dont want this shite i wanna be free from it...but because ive had sex in the first place ive had to learn the hard way about coping with it.

I am better than what ive done in the past i know i am it jus hurts me to see the things ive done because although it never hurt anybody else it ultimatly hurt me.

Well im in pain atm and slightly peed off for some reason but hey, just played tennis and lost so thats probably why. Ah well, and harry potter is gettin more interesting now ive finally got round 2 buying it, and omg harry likes ginny!!!!! how odd!, and hermoine and ron shud just stop the arguin its annoyin. And wtf are horcruxes?

Anyway ive been having sum really odd dreams lately about really random people. First one was at school all i remeber was flo taking me out the dining room by my hand and stopping by the tree by the wall and saying im sorry but whats the point if i dnt value our friendship anymore?! The second was that im standin in the middle of the road and suddenly chris turns up and stands right in front of me then gets knocked over by a van playing loud music. And the third Is when im at this grave yard by my grandfathers head stone and here faint music, and suddenly this lighting strikes the ground and underneath are steps and as i go down them i keep seeing pictures of my family alive and dead until i get 2 a room where livi is shes dead laying still on a bed, then i blanked out. Its so weird y do i keep havin gthese odd dreams??!

On a less puzzling note, abis doing better now, at least shes out and about a bit, Im really sad cos liv goes on the tuesday. And she wont b here to give me a hug or a smile everyday:(.

Well todays been the worst day i think ive had, abis mum died in a car crash and ive been with her all day comforting her. Its horrible absoulty horrible. Made me feel really sick to hear her cry like that, i love her to bits and she doesn't deserve this to happen to her. Plus her parents are divorced and she was living with her mum. She was in a collsion and was hit instantly she died on impact apparently. She was on her way back from scotland early this morning. I dont know what 2 say, just hearing her cry like that and seeing her in that state made me feel sick, because shes a really friend and its just so horrible to see someone you love so desperate and so torn with grief. I was crying with her to, i knew her mum really well she was like a second mum 2 me as well as caro. Ive been through alot of deaths nd suffering, thats been my life but i hate seeing people go thro it especially wen there close friends or relatives. I dnt know how 2 describe how i feel apart from sick and really really low atm. Im also affected still that people thought at kintbury that id lied about what ive been through, thats so cruel to suggest that, but i suppose none of them have been thro problems to the extent i have. I just felt so low wen i found that out also cos i think flo thinks ive lied to. which for sumreason affected me more that i thought she thought that then other people. Possibly because shes helped me thro alot and is such an amazing friend. I think she thinks ive lied and i dont know anymore. All i know is i feel really really low.... i have so many friends but id rather have flo as a friend than anyone else i know because shes just so special i suppose. I dont know what she thinks of me i wish i knew.

I miss my grandad, i miss rosie, i miss my aunt, i miss my nan, i miss my great grandad..... i want you all back. I dont wanna feel so alone anymore. I dont wanna feel so hated anymore. I dont wanna feel so low, or tired, or fucked off with the world.

I want to love and be loved in return.

Well today was tres interesting i have 2 say. Went bowling with my gatton crew who i havent seen in like a week but it felt like years, and we went 2 town and pissed around. Quite funny lol got approached by a guy who was in depserate need 4 weed, and a jehova witness...had great fun trying to fend that one off lol! but thanks to jonny we were free from her, then we went bowling which was just so hilarious, piers fell flat on his face once, i fell off the chair, and rose while kissing lippy got pounded on by abi cos shed lost her 3rd boob .........again! lol! well she managed 2 get it back finally but then she lost, i have 2 say i lost!!!!!! I think to any1 whos gunna read this, this entry really wont make sense to them but oh well! Anyways after that we went 2 the pub downed a few drinks and went 2 stoke park where i attemped 2 play tennis with scotty we were both a li ltipsy but i managed to win oooo i rock! but then tammers beat me...... martini is so great at tennis!
Now im back here in this dump but at least its home! Spoke 2 steve earlier aw hes so sweet, if only it wasnt gunna b so difficult 2 ave a relationship:(. Got a txt from joe 2 hes having a great time...cant wait 2 c him again! And just spoke 2 a few mates, i was happy until one reminded me we ave results day soon........i so do not wanna know mine! cos its gunna b annoying lol seeing tash hats flo come out with all a*s .....they dnt even have 2 try lol i wanna b clever oh well at least im good in somme subjects. And got a letter from liv 2day shes so sweet!:) shes in york atm ...... im gunna miss her loads:( like i keep saying. Its funyn actually cos we ave a reputation at school and outside of school were so not like that at all! i mean yeah we go 2 partys etc and get pissed blabla...but were really not what people brand us as. I think its cos were so deep and normal outside of school that inside school we boy talk alot and talk crap! Caros been such a bitch lately ooooo i could kill her, she knows what fuck liv has been thro and still persists in making her life living hell! Fuck her lol! really the way she treats her sometimes is appaling, i mean shes had a hard life and i would of thought shed understand but no she just puts her crap on liv and expects her 2 deal with it! Hopefull now brins on the seen itl b calmer tho, brin seems perfect for her he calms her down so much so hopefully itl b better. And hopefully chris will treat her right granted i know livs hot headed but chris does give her shite sometimes.

Im also really missing rosie, i still cant believe shes gone, i mean we were very close and its just odd not talking 2 her or seeing her, im just finding t difficult. Cant believe she died she was like the lovliest girl y she ave 2 die?? fucking cars should never have invented them.
On a lighter note im slowly making progress:)..which is good cant wait 2 get rid of it lol! And my mums getting more stable:) its so hard having 2 live with her somtimes tho she needs so much help like gettin up sometimes is hard for her and stuff, its very demanding but ive practically been her carer all my life my dad just cant hack it soive always done it, its just getting quite tough. But thats my life

Havent updated in ages only talking 2 mark made me realise i should lol!
Well what can i say gcses all over, relationships allover.....livis movin away and ive just come back from kintbury! so many things ave happened its crazy!
Well kintbury was amazing 2 say the least. Met so many new people...so many nice people :). Met joe who is just such a sweetie and hes so funny i miss him alot actually. And the wee king ofcourse........tickle monster!!! didnt realise he was so kinky till i got back lol! but he rocks my socks! Graham who is so adorable.....like my big brother but he sees me as more than that which is a lil difficult but its cool. He even wrote me a poem while he was there he was gunna read it at the caberat but read it 2 me instead wen we were alone:).
Um emma my great lil sis who i miss dearly! she was just so much fun! Vix lawry my portsmouth buddy and lasting friend. Lizzie my lil dnacer who rocks the dance floor i really miss her like hell! Shes quite a vunerable person actually i can see alot of me in her which is y we clicked, and so many other people i clicked with alex of course, martin, skez, ellen, hannah( love her 2 bits) , ciara of corse!, and the rest who made kintbury so great!
There was a lil bitchin but nothing that i cant handle, i think things just got a lil outta hand but it sorted its self out. Im not bothered bout it i had a fantastic time with the people there, it was great!
Im a lil emotional atm tho livi goes soon, she means the world to me and i love her 2 bits i really will miss her so much. Shes like my sis and im never gunna meet any1else like her. shes amazing and has meant the world twice over 2 me. But she has 2 go:( il come up and stay anyway and shel come down stay with me an rich has even offered 2 put her up 2 so she can see the kitten clan! lol! aw bless rich heso adorable
nites

Well i haven't written for a while partly cause the exams were so tiring and now partly cause im having the time of my life.
The exams went well a few ones i wasnt happy with like physics and german reading but thats about it. Just cant wait to get stuck into my as levels.
Well went 2 roses party on wednesday ...such a wkd party!!! Met dave again who i havent met since gatton .....flirted with me all night. Then a few more parties and on monday dave sent me red roses! So cute! I really fancied him to so now were going out. I think hel treat me well, hes the kinda guy that respects people in general. Un like chris recently whos been sending me abusive texts. What a bastard, im so glad i finally got rid of him, who needs that shit. Not much really going on apart from abis big party next sat, i just hope i dont get drunk again and start singing like a rozzs ..... so embarassing ...dave thought it was well sweet apparently tho! weirdo lol!
On the mate front... got in contact with rachel de souza again who lives well close 2 me, shes still such a wkd girl and we still get on like best mates. Which is really cool. Weve had such a brilliant time as well hanging out.. shes such a laugh although i was not laughing wen she pushed me in the river at guildford, but i got her back later wen she wasnt looking i pushed her in. People gave us such weird looks as we walked round guildford lol! Anyways should get ready 2 go out soon.

well biology was good........kinda strange cos it werent really that hard, so i hope we dont get a hard physics or something. Maths was ok i think i passed which is what i was aiming 2 do. And i got english tommorow ...o joy of life lol.
Life at the moment is interesting.....my mum has a crush on her new consultant whos like 25 and actually good looking and i was like mum ur married ....but i can see why she wouldnt find my dad attractive being ugly and got a violoence and drink problem lol. My love life is zero lol cos i turned down matt and doogy and nick. Its actually not cos i dont like them its just cos my stupid feelings for another girl that i wont b able to have lol. I mean i really should just get over it by i cant. Ah well thats me for you. And will has just proposed 2 his gf who hes been seeing for 4 years .....aawwwwwww there is still love in the world. Not that theres any hope of me finding love lol. I just so want these exams over now i want the summer!! bring on death lol.

Blimey well so much has happened lol, its silly!!!!! first thing tho.....omg !!!! matt williamson let me repeat matt williamson asked me out! and hes like the sexiest funniest/ nicest guy on the planet! wow lol. I think livis a lil jelaous but then she does ave a bf lol. I said id think bout it cos i still like the girl lol!!! o well. My mums out of hospital finally! o yey, and im counting down my weeks until i go into hospital lol. Gcses r such a fuck load of stress but hey theve been alright so far. Wessie as been a total legend lol anoying chris 2 the point that chris tried 2 punch him but missed hahaha!And everythings good going 2 livis 2day .....ooooo oscar lol! god i ave so many guys i only really like matt 2 b honest but oscar luke and tom like me! 2 much 2many fuck off is what i say lol.

well tried to kill myself last night but i didnt pull the rope tight enough. And i dont remeber but apparently while i was gasping for air my dad came in but i blanked out so dont remember. I feel so alone at the moment. My grandads dying slowly and friend rosie died this week, and im so stressed and ill, im this close to the edge. Fuck the world fucke everyone. No ones really here for me at the end of it all. FUCK IT! Fuck death fuck life fuck everything. Nothing in my life has gone right for me is going right and never willgo right. Well FUCK IT! why do i ave all this shite!!!!!!! y was i raped? y was/ am being i abused? y ave my nan, friends and mum(nearly) died? y??????????????????????????????????? ive had enough. im going insane i hate HATE HATE this world.
I just want someone to love me

well just been to the doctors they incresead my dosage of amylphiltaline, which will stop me being sick........but i found out i got a bad case of the flu again....... fucking hell!!! so i now gotta rest loads this is very bad news for my health. It just gets worse everyday. And apparently i have very high blood pressure and cos my blood sugar levels were so low yesterday i could of nearly gone un conscience.. prob why i couldnt get off my bed at all yesterday.
At school im really quite upset i got told the wrong info by danielle and i thought lydia had been insulting me and flo basically so i went off on a tagent and didnt think bout telling flo before i spoke 2 lydia. And so im really sorry darling... i only did it cos of thought she had something really bad to you:(. So its totally my fault and i take the blame, im sorry for any hard feeling caused.
Anyway im now feeling light headed again and the screens going blurry so i better lie down

omg that was my last concert in the chapel........ Livi was just amazing as per usual so was letty. I feel like complete shit i just sat in the bag room and cried by myself afterwards. I think it was the realisation of how i felt about someone. Really it me i think. Dont know why it made me cry though, i suppose the frustration that i know nothing is gunna happen, or the fact of being so close to her yet so far.....if that makes any sense. And i really dont want livi to leave. Shes like a sister to me, i cant bear the thought of not seeing her happy face everyday she cheers me up and keeps me going. Anyways gunna go 2 bed if i can sleep.

well just been to pips, only briefly tho went with michelle and saz twas tres cool watched monty python for the zillionth time and still managed to piss ourselves with laughter. Snackabob also managed to chuck the monkey out the window, i was so upset for it as it landed in maxs kennel lol. And then mich shouted out i suck bum and pips dad walks in. thanks mich wonder what he thinks of me now! Anyways on a more depressing note ...mums gettin worse i dont hold out much hope now. i would of gone to see her tonight but i needed cheering up and to suck bum as shelly kindly put it. And livi still thinks i should go out with scotty i mean nooooooo! but then she dont know i actually like some one maybe i should tell her that fact but i cant stand the questions i know shes gunna ask like boy or girl? school or outside? who? lol awwwwwww bless her she means well. Dads gotta go 2 maxs funeral this weekend.. means more shouting and anger around the house im so tempted to hide all the beer but i know whatl hel do if i do. And i really dont want that to happen...fucking bastard i hate him! And my brother thinks its ok to swear freely and hit and kick to, im trying to influence himnot to but because mums not here its not working, and hes young and is very close to dad so is bound to take his side. Im the only one who gets the shite in this family grrrrrr its so annoying. But im so determined not to end up like this. I wanna build a life for myself and i wanna go to university and everyone thinks im capable so im just gunna keep striving. I also wanna share my the rest of my life with someone, i dont wanna end up old without anyone. But its so hard to find someone with the same morals as me. I wanna find someone i can trust and rely on. I think ive found someone like that but its tres diifcult cos nothing in my life ever seems to go right and she dont think of me like that. PLus i really wanna give her space as she needs it right now. I suppose id find it easier to and stop thinking about her if i wasnt so upset and stressed with my situation at the moment. I dont know anymore sometimes i feel like giving up but something in the back of my mind always stops me and keeps my going for my goals and for the future. And im gettin realli tired now and this was supposed to be realli short but its now tres long. nite.

Well not much to say although it was an interesting end to yesterday. What she said was actually ok just i think she needs time and space like i do but i started to have feelings for her.... why? why do i feel these things? when i really need the time on my own i become torn again! Im just doomed i think i have no hope. I mean all i want is to find someone which i think i have but who likes me back too, and who will respect me, i cant find anyone and now i have she dont like me back and shes just come out of a relationship i am upset but more angry with myself for becoming a stupid person to feel like this again and become so torn again ! i hate myself i wish id die now(no jokes). Swcyo was interesting yesterday scottys euphonium broke hahaha!And ruth my darling ruth got rejected by the jamie cullum look alike on the basson. Why is this world full of rejection? Dads been shouting again i mean no change there, keeps telling me im full of shite im crap i cant do anything, im useless, and thick. Thanks dad i love you 2. And for all my pain im gunna get a big bowl of choclate and stuff it right now!

Current Mood: irritated

well first ever entry in this diary. u know its kinda weird, ive kept diarys all my life but never an online one. Well where do i start? i suppose with today which actually wasn't too bad, considering its school and im overly stressed and have completly lost all sense normality. Well french went alright with miss yvon ......hopefully it will do tommorow to. But i dont think she was too pleased that i forgot the oral practice i was supposed to have yesterday! oops! But in latin i fell asleep in nearly i had such a bad headache o well my life is a headache at the moment. Spoke to kate today... she was a little upset that id decided to stay compleltly single for a while, but i aint dropped the bombshell yet that im actually starting to like someone at school...o dear o well shel get over it she got lots of lesbian mates she can shack up with. I really miss kintbury right now! I actually cannot wait till my gcses are over .....o actually i can cos then ive got my operation lol while all my mates go on hols! how unfair is life to me anyway. Im actually becoming quite shy ive noticed. dont know why im just becoming alot more like myself now which is shy and but quite hyper at times lol. o well anyway gotta go dads being a pain in the ass

Current Mood: peaceful